Holy crud, we done it! - Lords of the Board, Performance One

I awoke yesterday to a lovely day for photos. Overcast days give photos that nice, hazy, filtered light effect that makes everyone look supermodel-style airbrushed. It was the kind of day that makes you want to go out and produce a costumed human chess game from scratch...or at least that was the effect it had on me.

Keith and his giant truck arrived on schedule to pick up the board. It was up in the air whether we'd actually be able to transport the 12 foot tall metal birdcage (that once belonged to a stripper) in order to jail our performances who were captured during the chess game. The thing looks so huge, I thought we'd need a flatbed truck and a crane or something. Keith's truck laughed at my misgivings by being THE PERFECT SIZE to hold the board and the cage. Awesome.

Jinx had selflessly agreed to pick up flyers and coffee for us and met us at Courthouse Square to set up, mochas in hand, and one large SUV brimming over with costumes.

The first hitch of the day came when we were trying to assemble the (dance) surface of the birdcage. The panels supposed to slide easily together and interlock...but after years of abuse and extreme temperatures in our dank garage it didn't really feel like sliding together all that much. It took all of the crew kicking and pulling and cursing at the thing with all our might to get it together, but in the end, it was humans - 1, and board - nothing. Ha ha, take that, stupid wood! Even better, Gargoyle Ben #1, Ben Arent, the one person who'd ever helped assemble the birdcage in the past fortuitously showed up. He quickly volunteered to climb the ladder and screw the poles. There were many lewd jokes made, as you can imagine. Best to get 'em out before the kids arrive.

There was a scary moment when we realized Gargoyle Ben #2, Ben Kraemer, had his birthday the night before...and most of the crew had been up 'til 4am forcing toxic concoctions into their hardy livers. All of the hungover and groggy performers assembled like a motley crew of bandits in the morning fog by about 10:45...except Birthday Ben. But we didn't have time to worry because Caitlyn and Sean had arrived with the costume tent, and like a circus, that thing required at least a team of a thousand able bodied workers to assemble. (Warning: I'm prone to gross exaggeration. I'm not good with numbers.)

The board was assembled at the foot of the outdoor stage, the cage stood proudly to the right of it, and the tip jar stood ready for change on the left. People piled into the tent and the clothing flew...yet somehow they all managed to get in the right costumes without impregnating each other in the process, I hope. We were ready, but one thing was missing...the audience. Oh, and Ben. Ben finally stumbled into the square full of energy, ready to give the performance of his life, still drunk from the night before. He used the un-sober lack of inhibitions and muscle control to sway and crouch and growl so convincingly, I was tempted to suggest all of our performers drink beforehand. The audience, too, filtered in one by one, and pretty soon we had a small group of curiously confused onlookers ready to be amazed by how exciting watching two kids play chess can be.

The kids arrived onstage and the players lined up behind the tent to grab a smoke and chug their coffee while they still could. Antonia furiously whipped makeup onto the actors at the last second as they lined up to go on, and still managed to make them look stupendous. I turned on my megaphone and began barking last minute orders at them like a crazy, pink haired drill sergeant. "Remember to react! Project your voices! Keep it G-rated, you &%*$#s!" Noon rolled around and uber-pianist Win Meyerson hit the keyboard with some truly epic opening music. The groggy performers marched out took their places on the squares, sure of only one thing...they were a group of thirty-two, 18 to 20-somethings standing on a giant chessboard in the middle of downtown Santa Rosa dressed in full costume on a Sunday afternoon. Oh, the humanity!
The first pair of kids, Rahuul and Freddie, sat down to play the first round. The other kids waiting to play sat around them, barely trying to contain their own thoughts about what THEY would do if THEY were playing. Yet they all managed to smile and have a good time watching the performers try to deliver their goofy lines over the roar of the fountains and Win's music. Win had different theme songs ready to play when each side moved a piece...he threw in the Star Wars and Harry Potter themes, Ironman, Smoke on the Water, and my favorite creepy song from Twin Peaks. The actors were truly brilliant, and improv-ed some great moments.


Kat as the White Queen was possibly the brightest star of the day, delivering her lines with verve and remaining in character even while she was just standing there, polishing her queenly nails, or looking petulant in her white dress and powdered wig. She and Nate as the White King would banter back and forth like a true snobbish royal couple, so cool. The Grim Reapers Sean and Kevin lurched across the board, furvently delivering their lines in gravelly voices, as Nate, the White King, demanded that someone bring him a beverage. Joe the Viking got a few great zingers in too, and everything is funnier from a man in horns. Matt threw his crown down and crumpled in defeat when he was checkmated, but he still looked freaking awesome in his badass steampunk outfit and shiny red guitar. The twenty or so parents and people in the audience ate up every word and interaction they could make out, but I think we may need mics or something to really get them heard. I hate that some gemlike performance moments were missed because of bad auditory timing.

A lot of the actors didn't get too many chances to move. Matlock, as one of the geriatric Wizards, said at one point "I think I need an Ex-lax, I haven't had a movement in a while!"

The first game went really long. The two boys were evenly matched and we didn't really account for how long each move would take. The actors improvised brilliantly during the downtimes. Freddie really held out 'til the end, but finally Rahuul put him in checkmate, and the crowd went wild. During the break, I was interviewed by a photographer from the Press Democrat, while several costumed performers went off to imbibe some hair-of-the-dog grog over at Stout Brothers.
Eventually, everyone stumbled back in line and we went for it again, this time with Dane and Elijah playing the game. This time, the game went faster, and nine year old Dane gave 12 year old Elijah a run for his money, finally putting him in checkmate and winning the game. I was super impressed at how well the all kids handled both winning and losing, they all just seemed happy to be there.

We took another break and the crowd wandered off again. I finally got a chance to have a clove and down some badly needed coffee of my own. My throat was getting hurty from all the yelling of chess moves into the megaphone, so I figured I'd soothe it with acidic coffee and smoke. It didn't work.

Back for round three, the crew assembled again, probably ready for the day to be over. Michael and the ever enthusiastic Zack played this time, and I made the mistake of suggesting the kids used their first guesses, that their first thought is usually right...so of course one of the kids blamed me when he made a bad move. Uh oh. It all worked out though and Zack won the game. The crew assembled onstage for the award procession and sadly, the medals were no where to be found. Luckily, Matlock stepped in and had the kings from each side knight the kids.

Afterwards, Keith, still dressed as the Black Knight, went over and spent some time with one of the kids, Freddie, and his mom told me it made him really feel special. All the kids at his school were jealous today, he kind of got celebrity status for being part of this. We got awesome photos and everyone seemed really happy to be a part of the event, even the hungover actors and overstressed moms and dads. Some people on Facebook called us nerds for doing a chess event, but I say, darn it, why not celebrate being smart? These kids are probably picked sometimes on for being brainy chess geeks, and now they got a little confidence boost for being in what was possible the most exciting game of hardcore, heavy metal chess ever. Nerds rule.